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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #61
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    An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

    The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."



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    How stuff happens...


    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
    stay in our bedroom. Did you say, "hello?"

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    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K.”

    She humbly asks “What does that mean?”

    He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said “Oh, that’s so lovely what about I, J, and K?”

    He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
    X

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    As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.
    I saw a yard sign that said:




    NEED HELP?
    CALL JESUS
    1-800-705-3787



    Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

    It was a Latino with a lawnmower.
    X

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    I was visiting with my daughter last night
    when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    'This is the 21st century, she said. 'I don't
    waste money on newspapers. Here, you can
    borrow my iPad.'

    I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew
    what hit him.
    X

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    Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

    The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

    The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

    The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

    The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

    The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

    The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

    The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

    The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

    The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. Igraduated in 1964.'

    The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in1964 me self!'

    About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

    Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

    Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

    Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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    Guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whisky and a beer. Bartender shrugs and sets them up.

    Guy then slams down the shots one after another and chugs the beer.

    Bartender says "I have to ask, why are you drinking so fast?"

    Guy says "Oh, you would drink this fast if you had what I have."

    Feeling a little sorry for the guy "If you don't mind sharing, what do you have?"

    $2.50
    X

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    Subject: The Jewish Tie Salesman

    A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little, old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack…selling ties!

    The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

    The Taliban shouted hysterically, " Idiot! Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

    "Sorry, I have none, just ties…pure silk, and only $5."

    "Baahhh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but…I must conserve my energy and find water!"

    "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
    If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace."

    Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

    Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie?"
    X

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    The dead cow lecture

    First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all
    gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
    involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the
    butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

    When everyone hadfinished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid

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