Joke of the day

[STIBROKER]

A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.

"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"

The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.

The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."

"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.

"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."

[xrac]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[xrac]

How stuff happens...


There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say, "hello?"

[xrac]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K.”

She humbly asks “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said “Oh, that’s so lovely what about I, J, and K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[xrac]

[xrac]

As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.
I saw a yard sign that said:




NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-705-3787



Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

It was a Latino with a lawnmower.
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[xrac]

I was visiting with my daughter last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, she said. 'I don't
waste money on newspapers. Here, you can
borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew
what hit him.

[xrac]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. Igraduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[xrac]

Guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whisky and a beer. Bartender shrugs and sets them up.

Guy then slams down the shots one after another and chugs the beer.

Bartender says "I have to ask, why are you drinking so fast?"

Guy says "Oh, you would drink this fast if you had what I have."

Feeling a little sorry for the guy "If you don't mind sharing, what do you have?"

$2.50