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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #21
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    Blondestar:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3UGhRjPry4



  2. #22
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    Nice ones Mark and Xrac. You have me in stitches. Keep up the good work

  3. #23
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    More Golf Stories

    Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for
    Her. When they discovered they both lived in the same city only a few miles
    Apart, Ed was ecstatic.

    He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple
    Of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts,
    Movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
    Took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.
    While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said....
    "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little
    Serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before
    I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only
    Fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I
    Watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going
    To be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Dorothy took a deep breath and responded...
    "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love
    Golf too.......but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you
    Need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied.
    He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought
    Then he added........
    "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your
    Wrists straight when you tee off. "

  4. #24
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    Default Plain English Homeowners Policy

    PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY

    For a period of ___year(s) ending promptly at midnight, Standard time on ________________

    Property Location:_________________________________________ ___

    AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT: $___________________

    BLANKET ON YOUR HOUSE, ALL THE ACCUMULATED FURNITURE AND STUFF INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, YOUR GARAGE (the one where you park your car, not Al's Body Shop) AND ANY OTHER SMALL BUILDING ON THE LOT, AND WHAT IT COSTS EXTRA TO LIVE WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNED DOWN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, FOR SO LONG AS WE SAY IT'S OK.

    WE ALSO WILL DEFEND YOU IN COURT IF SOMEBODY MAKES A CLAIM AGAINST YOU, OR PAY THE DAMAGES, AND WE'LL PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS OF SOME PEOPLE WHO GET HURT ACCIDENTALLY AT YOUR PLACE, OR SOME OTHER PLACE.

    (We could spell it all out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one word of it anyway. We had to hire ten lawyers just to figure this out after we wrote it!)

    CONDITIONS:

    1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.

    2. Our agent has already told you this is the new "all risk" policy, but even he doesn't know what he's selling, so if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some insurance salesman.

    3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to snow us, we'll not only cancel this policy so fast it'll make your head swim, we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again short of the Hong Kong Mutual. There are so many regulations, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's king, that we can't lie to you. So don't you give us any song and dance or we'll land on you hard.

    4. Replacement Cost: forget it. You don't need it. We'll pay what we say is fair with or without any "Replacement Cost coverage," and we don't care what your neighbor's policy has on it.

    5. The "AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT" listed above is the absolute cost we will pay no matter what your house and other stuff is worth or however many people sue you for any one accident, so you'd better be sure you have bought enough to cover the worst disaster that you can imagine. Don't depend on our agent for this! If he had any imagination, he'd find an honest occupation.

    6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now you'd forget it in an hour, if you ever understood it in the first place.

    7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the premium, and (2) call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call in.) That's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute; see (3) above, in case you have forgotten already (which doesn't surprise us.)

    8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has to do with your job, forget it; don't call us; we donít cover it.

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    Three Ministers

    Three ministers waited at the Pearly Gates. The first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and POOF Down the chute to the "Other Place" they went.

    Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and WHANG down the chute went the Methodists.

    The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't lookin' good, Fanny."

  6. #26
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    Default For all you golf addicts.

    Rob goes golfing every Saturday.One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

    He replies to her, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

    Rob's wife said, "That's terrible!"

    Very sadly he replies, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

  7. #27
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    Default Words, words, words.

    The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are the 2009 winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

  8. #28
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    Default Sad News

    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

    He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

  9. #29
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    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

    The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

    The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

    The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

    The man says yes, and the Rabbi replies, "Take the poison."

  10. #30
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    Default 101 Things NOT to say during sex

    1. But everybody looks funny naked!
    2. You woke me up for that?
    3. Did I mention the video camera?
    4. Do you smell something burning?
    5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
    6. Try breathing through your nose.
    7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
    8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
    9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
    10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
    11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
    Person 2: Yeah.. today
    12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
    13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
    14. Do you accept Visa?
    15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
    16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
    17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
    18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
    19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
    20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
    21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
    22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
    23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
    24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
    25. Got any penicillin?
    26. But I just brushed my teeth...
    27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
    28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
    29. I want a baby!
    30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
    31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
    32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
    33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
    34. I think you have it on backwards.
    35. When is this supposed to feel good?
    36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
    37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
    38. Is that blood on the headboard?
    39. Did I remember to take my pill?
    40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
    41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
    42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
    43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
    44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
    45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
    46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
    47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
    48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
    49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
    50. You're almost as good as my ex!
    51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
    52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
    53. You look younger than you feel.
    54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
    55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
    56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
    57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
    58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
    59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
    60. What tampon?
    61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
    62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
    63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
    64. I have a confession...
    65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
    66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
    67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
    68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
    69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
    70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
    71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
    72. Did you come yet, dear?
    73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
    74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
    75. Does this count as a date?
    76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
    77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
    78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
    79. Q: You can cook too, right?
    A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
    80. When would you like to meet my parents?
    81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
    Woman: Yourself?
    82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
    83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
    84. Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.
    85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
    86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
    87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
    88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
    89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
    90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
    91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
    92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
    93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
    94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
    95. Is this a sin too?
    96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
    97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
    98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
    99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
    100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
    101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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